Sunday, June 21, 2009

a constant God.

You know, everytime I do a blog, I always tell myself to make it short and sweet. It never does what's going on here justice though, and a lots going on. this blog might be more "journally", but I hope that if anyone reads it, they will be able to see more of the depths of what God is doing.

Personally, a lot has been going on in my heart and mind. Missions seems to be such an up and down, sweet and sour kind of adventure. You've got those good moments, where you could cry out of joy and delight, and then those days where you want to cry out of frustration, weariness, or lonliness. For example, last night I had such an amazing time going to a play put on by some girls that I know here. We went John Wesley, the seminary school, and met a bunch of sweet people, including a Pensylvanian family with an 8 yr old son who moved to the seminary to teach. The boy, Ryan, is fluent in both english and spanish, and honestly I was jealous ;) We then ate at Pollo loco, which was delicious. Our car ride home consisted of an amazing conversation with a local, Marco, about VBS, reaching the children, and even about the state of the church and how we have lost our delight in God. I went to my bed on the roof, saw a couple of shooting stars, and was so satisfied in the fact that I am here and surrounded by such beautiful people.

Today was different. one of the downs. We had our normal sunday bible study at 9:30, and all was peachy... I was even being a little extra bold by sharing my heart on what was being talked about and all (which I've been having trouble being open and real and sharing my thoughts here with staff). Then we closed in prayer, and all of a sudden the guy praying thanked God for the fathers, since it is, I guess, fathers day... which maybe I tried to forget what day that fell on this year, and was successful until this prayer. Ever since that moment, the day slowly has been given way to lonliness. With the passing of my dad last year, and fresh wounds that still are healing, fathers day is no fun really. especially in a different country without family. With people that still seem a lot like strangers. No one to really process through the day with. And then it just makes me think of how much I feel unknown. Which is probably a regular feeling of any missionary who leaves home and family and settles around all unknown, feeling unknown. Such an unenjoyable feeling. So there is one very current "down".

However, with all of the ups and downs, there is a steady God. I'm so thankful for that. Especially in missions. Not that it can't happen elsewhere, but it seems I've never been challenged and stretched as much in missions. It's so messy. So many relationships to deal with, staff and locals. and trying to open up to a random group of people that have been placed here for the summer by God. and then personal things going on in my heart and head that long for a listening ear. But it's beautiful. It really is. The tough moments make the sweet moments sweeter, and the presence of God stronger.

So that's a drip, and I mean a tad bit, of what is going on in me. a lot of questioning and stretching. Needing to know that God knows the depths of me. he knows me in and out. and he is my constant. haha constant is such a beautiful word to us missionaries i think. It seems nothing is constant here. but He is. I am so excited for this week, and the team that will be here in about 2 hours. I feel that God has something planned, and that he really wants to move and catalyze not only the group, but me too.

Please be praying!!!!
-new team this week
-staff that abides in Jesus, resulting in fruit.
- relationships. honestly, I do feel a bit lonely. I feel so intimidated at the thought of being real with people here. and yet, I think God really wants to move through this kind of openess.
-the relationships of us and our fathers (or lack thereof). My friend just lost her dad last week, my pastor's wife just lost her dad yesterday, and numerous other families, including mine, have lost fathers just recently. Pray for God to use our stories, especially in the lives of the broken like here in croc.
-BOLDNESS. pray against the spirit of fear.

I love you all tons, and pray you are all doing well!

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